I hate this... I just really... Hate this...about myself.

~Something got triggered~

Here's the scoop. I was talking to  a guy friend the other day. It was all in good fun, and he was talking about somethings. Things such as how much he loves someone else. Now normally, someone would be totally fine with that, and encourage the person to go after that person. Instead, I felt my heart get heavy... and it was really weird. Like I had no idea why...

So further into the conversation.... I tried lightening the mood for myself. So I tell him, that at one point I admired him, and that I thought he was a cute, funny guy. Normally again, guys would either be flattered, or appalled at the thought. But instead he asks;

"So you had a crush on me?"

In the moment, I felt like I had to be honest, so I said yes. Then he asked me this...

"Do you still have a crush on me?"

I didn't really know what to say at the moment... but it made me think.
I was wondering why I am so comfortable around him, why I smile when he is around. Why did I feel better when he was around. Then I knew it... I still had a crush on him.

I then got confused, while I was still talking to him... cause I thought I was crushing on some other guy. I guess I got over it already. Mainly because he was straight, and he was never interested in me that way. But he is still my friend, at least I hope he is...

Anyways... I started thinking, 'wow, how the heck do I still have a crush on him!' Then everything just snowballed from there.

My mind thought of things that made no sense to me... Like all the past crushes I had crushes on, I noticed something. They either dated my sister, were mean to me, or had their eyes on someone in my family!

Most of the time when they weren't involved with family members, they were totally mean to me. As in they treated me like dirt!

Those involved with my family, they are already taken... so that was out of the question...

But thing is, I would always just brush these feeling off... Like they were nothing... For some reason though... I feel really horrible about myself.

I'm a brother first, a cousin second, a friend third! I don't want to have these feelings for people who have their hearts on someone I know...

So why... why do I have these feelings? Why does my heart hurt everytime I see them with someone I care about...
Someone please answer me... I don't think I could handle thing like this on my own.

"When times seem darkest, and your heart feels like it's in millions of pieces, then just pick up the pieces, and give them to someone else." - Annonymous

Think it, Live it. Let it absorb.

Question: Why do fools fall in love?

~Salazar De Almont